<For dVerse {Poetics: The Landscape Sleeps, Ekphrastic Prompt}>
Six companions longed for adventure
And so we made ready that night
We sailed to Egypt where pharaohs rest
And had so much to study that night
We then sailed to majestic Istanbul
Safe within walls so sturdy that night
We travelled overland through Anatolia
To Persia we walked steadily that night
We rode upon dark Mongol postal roads
Beset by thieves, things were deadly that night
Lured to go further by fame and riches
We could feel the silk already that night
I saw a child in red dance outside with glee
As we stayed with her friendly family that night
She gave us each three chrysanthemums
And a juniper berry that night
Her anklets rang as she danced for us
A guqin joined the medley that night
Then the girl vanished into the darkness
Things became very scary that night
Years ago, the father said, he’d lost his child
Our hearts grew so heavy that night
While I slept, sick, frightened, and very tired
I heard her whisper my name ‘Tommy’ that night
[The painting is Japanese, so I’m going to have to think of an explanation for why the travellers stopped at China. Maybe the family were Japanese merchants who set up shop in Western China. I just really wanted to write something about the Silk Road. It’s been nagging at me for a day or two. Also, Thomas is my middle name.]
Later Note: I had not researched this form properly when I wrote it. I don’t think a narrative like this can be called a ghazal. There are so many rules. I will try again later.
I love that your poem is a complete story and the shift from ‘we’ to ‘I’ to zoom in on the specific, which is the image you chose. The repetition puts the reader in the time and place, they travel distances with the speaker and his companions and then, suddenly, as if by magic, there is the child in red dancing with glee, haunting the Silk Road. I enjoyed it.
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Thank you ! 😊 I did not notice that first transition from ‘we’ to ‘I’. I like weaving in stories to my poems. I have never been good at description, though I try.
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I agree with your commenter. I felt an extraordinary sense of being personally present in the scene you described.
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It seems that mistakes can sometimes make things better. Thank you 😊
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I am often surprised because it is the poems I find most imperfect which get the most grateful comments!
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The stately rhythm and repetition of the form (ghazal?) suits the subject so well. It’s a fascinating period and I don’t care why or how Japan fits it 🙂
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Thank you. 😊 this is my first attempt at a ghazal. I’m not sure I did it correctly. I will try again.
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It seemed right to me, but I wasn’t reading it to pick up any deviations from the rules. It read well as it was.
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☺️👌
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I love that you wrote a narrative in ghazal form–so that it’s sort of a ballad that I can imagine Tommy telling many years later in front of a fire. And a ghost story–even better!
The Silk Road is such a great topic. I don’t think it matters that the painting is Japanese–it’s simply inspiration. You could just substitute something for shamisen.
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Thank you, Merril. There isn’t enough historical fiction about the Silk Road in my opinion. There’s so much to explore.
I think that I’ll change shamisen to guqin.
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You’re very welcome, Tanmay!
I really don’t know about historical fiction on the Silk Road. Do you know of Yo Yo Ma’s Silk Road Project?
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I have heard of Yo Yo Ma, but not of this project. I just looked it up. Looks like I’ll have something to add to my playlist. Thanks for the recommendation.
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You’re welcome. 🙂
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This is a great first attempt, Tanmay ~ well crafted and interesting to read 🙂
Ghazals are challenging but fun!
~David
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Thanks David 😊 They sure are challenging. Finding those last few words of the first couplet really made me think 🤔
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Wonderful piece. Truly enjoyed.💕
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Thank you, Grace 😊
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My pleasure 💕
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It doesn’t matter what the rules are the poem is fantastic I love what you saw in this painting ❤
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Thank you very much 😊
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You are welcome 💕
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Tanmay the relentless reputation at the end of each line was most effective. His bestowed sense of urgency, and as it lingered and carried through it carried a sense of foreboding. Very well written my friend — bravo?
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Thank you, Rob. 😊
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Oh my, the mystery behind this piece is intriguing. You took me on a journey for sure with lots of twists and turns.
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The road was winding indeed. Thank you so much 😊
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This is a very interesting take on the picture! Well done!
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Thank you, Dwight 😊
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You are welcome!
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Even if it is not a ghazal in the truest sense, it is written in rhyming couplets and took the narrative ahead very smoothly (like silk, I would say😊). I was so engrossed in the story that it did not matter whether you were in China or Japan!
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Hehehe! I love writing narrative poetry, but sometimes the forms don’t allow it, like with this one. Thanks for reading and commenting, Punam 😁
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You are welcome, Tanmay. 😊
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Haha, like silk! Very good!
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